He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
