Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
