evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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