careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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