I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
