Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
