Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
