you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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