Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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