Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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