new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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