if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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