if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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