I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
