I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
