my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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