cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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