omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
