Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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