Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
