Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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