____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
