Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
