You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
