that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
