Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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