Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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