the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
