I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Fuck appropriateness.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
