Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
