I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
