i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize