textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
