Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize