Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
