When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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