You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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