Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
