Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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