it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
