Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
