Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
