So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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