you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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