I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
