did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize