Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
