i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize