Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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