You're earring is so big in my mouth
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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