just tell him i said nine months
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
