Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize