you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
