If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
