Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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