goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
