I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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