girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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