Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
