I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
