You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
