My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
