After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
