I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
how does that bad decision feel?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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