So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
