After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
