chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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