Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
should my penis look like a turkey
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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