If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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