I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
