my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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