Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
