Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
