Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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