someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
