Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
