You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
