Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
