dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
